|
|
I, Zoomie, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously.
I also swear not to do any form of real exercise,
but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.
I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United
States, even though I believe myself to be above that.
I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I
know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the
other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around
me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.
After completion of my -- snicker -- "basic training,"
I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
Chairborne Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and
will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person
in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and
it
makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early
everyday.
I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER – and
understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank
me tomorrow.
So help me God.
Signature: _________________ Date: _______________
I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers
into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I
promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will
continue telling myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my drill
sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will
see is a court martial for sexual harassment.
I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test.
After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC
training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month
and return knowing less than I did when I left.
On my first trip home after boot camp, I will walk
around like I am cool and propose to my ninth-grade sweetheart. I will
make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for
a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve
times, I will continue to take her back.
While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge
while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every
day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours
to report back to the "COMPANY. " I understand that I will undergo
no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and
will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will
brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will
be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.
So help me God.
Signature:________________ Date:_____________ U.S.
I promise to wear clothing that went out of style
in 1976 and to have my name stencilled on the butt of every pair of pants
I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humour man during
the summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive
to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world,
using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head," when I really mean
"floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that
all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter,
are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no
sense
whatsoever.
I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every
morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show
up around 0930 hours.
I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the
point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and
still not spill a drop.
I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted
at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief,
I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal,
whims of my new-found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.
Signature:__________________ Date:_______________
U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
I, ________________ (state name here), swear... uhhhh...
high-and-tight... grunt... cammies... ugh... Air Force women.... HOORAH!
So help me Corps.
Thumb Print:__________________ Date:______________
